You don't have asthma, your pregnant
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
