I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
