first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
