So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
Randomize
