my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
