At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Randomize
