Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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