My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Randomize
