Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Randomize
