sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Randomize
