i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Randomize
