he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Randomize
