my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
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