god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Last time i carry you out of a forest
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
I think that maybe Alyssa may of had too much to drink. is it normal for her to straddle random people in quizno's?
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
