So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
