I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
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