If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
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