i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
