What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
