There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
Randomize
