a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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