Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Randomize
