this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
Congratulations! We have a period
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
