you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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