I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
