Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
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