____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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