the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Randomize