If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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