I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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