Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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