What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
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