he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
