My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Randomize
