So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
Randomize
