The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
We're too hungover to prance.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Randomize