So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
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