Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
Of course I have a pirate flag
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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