I hate all girls vehemently.
pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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