How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
Randomize
