I'm sorry, but there's just something about mesh over nipples that irks me.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
