If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
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