it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Randomize
