there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
I enjoy the company of your penis
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
