I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
