it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
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