I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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