I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Randomize
