i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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