oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Randomize
