Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
