I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
we're chasing vodka with high fives
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
Randomize
