I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
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