Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize