3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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