i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
