Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
Randomize
