Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
