I feel great
I just peed on a car
he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
