I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
