It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
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