I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize
