6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
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