I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
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