i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
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