she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
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