i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Randomize
