i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Randomize
