I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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