i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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